Ooo, looks like this time it's gonna be a cold and bitchy war.

Oh no he didn't!

I've considered many reasons why Condi is like Condi is. Too much hair product. Simple misunderstanding of the issues. A heart filled with equal parts hate and stupidity. It took a pinko red commie bastard...or whatever we're calling them nowadays, to remind me of the simplest reason for Condi:

She's a career gal.

In a salvo guaranteed to align Camile Paglia and the Republican party, Vladimir Zhirinovsky, the leader of the Liberal and Democratic Party of Russia, said in response to Condi's attack on Russia's recent "We're taking our gas and going home" ploy with the Ukraine, "Condoleezza Rice released a coarse anti-Russian statement. This is because she is a single woman who has no children. She loses her reason because of her late single status. Nature takes it all."

Oo, snap! Zhirinovsky done called Condi an old maid! It's on now, bitch!

He went on to say, "If she has no man by her side at her age, he will never appear. Even if she had a whole selection of men to choose from she would stay single because her soul and heart have hardened. Like Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Tamerlane, or Alexander the Great of Macedon Ms. Rice needs to fight and release tough public statements in global scale."

Well, while I'm not sure that the desire for global conquest exhibited by Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Tamerlane or Alexander the Great can be attributed to just not finding the right guy to settle down with...well, maybe it can in Alexander's case...it does make for a fun little political bitch-slap.

Then he delves deep into Russian history and says what was good for Catherine the Great might just be good enough for Condi, "Condoleezza Rice needs a company of soldiers. She needs to be taken to barracks where she would be satisfied. On the other hand, she can hardly be satisfied because of her age."

Now, I may be wrong here, but did he suggest that what our Secretary of State really needs is a good, honest, deep-dicking gang-bang by a bunch of soldiers?

Well, it's probably true...

Okay, this confuses me.

Athlete apologizes for drinking.

Apparently in a "60 minutes" interview, Olympic skier Bode Miller said something about how it's not easy to ski wasted.

Now, this strikes me as undoubtedly true. While I've never been skiing myself, it looks hard. Things happen fast. Trees tend to kill Republican politicians. There seem to be numerous challenges, the threat of which would increase exponentially if you're toasted.

Yet, apparently, this remark from someone who's nearly 30 and therefore capable of not only drinking legally, but choosing to then ski, has greatly offended all sorts of people. I don't get it? Would they have been happier if he had said, "Skiing is really hard, except when you're hammered. Then it's a breeze. Heh, I made a joke. "

So now he's apologizing all over the place like he said, "Skiing on puppies and orphans is hard, but I do it gleefully while I spout liberal rhetoric and fingerbang Cindy Sheehan." He's an adult. He enjoys a beverage. He made a silly comment about how it's hard to ski while drunk. This is now national news?

I think perhaps I should just chalk it up to yet another example of the general weirdness of this country. People drink. People then make stupid choices, like skiing. We all know this. Yet, so long as they aren't honest about it and don't actually admit that they're doing it, we're fine. The second they do, we act all surprised like this is news to us and get offended. Then the person comes out and apologizes, not really for the action, but for talking about it.

I don't get it.

That's probably why I don't ski.

It's gonna hurt worse than the root canal.

Yowza!

A Million Little Refunds

However, on the up note, once Random House gets done giving out refunds, they will sue James Frey to get their money back. The crushing bankruptcy will send him straight back to drugs and drink and then, a couple of years from now, after he's had time to really have some rock bottom experiences, he can write another book and join Judy Miller on a speaking tour entitled "What Price Is The Human Soul?

Michelle Malkin makes a run from the border

Okay, I admit it. I have a bit of a crush on Michelle Malkin (as previous posts graphically illustrate). There's just something about a dismissive, hate-spewing, wildly-apologetic Filipina that excites my loins into a furious uproar of tingles. But more than her vaugely anime looks, it's her blatant fence-hopping and utter willingness to hyperventilate about any issue at any time that makes me wanna spelunk in her dank caves.

For instance, today on her blog, she's going on about MS-13, the Mara Salvatrucha street gang, and how this "illegal alien gang" (although, technically, they're not illegal aliens unless they're actually outside of their country, Michelle, but we'll let that pass because yer just soooooo cute) is going to start smuggling thugs across the Mexican border to assassinate border patrol guards. Apparently, they are upset by the increased security along the U.S./Mexico border and this is how they're going to retaliate.

Michelle Malkin freaks out

A number of problems present themselves.

One, finding the actual border patrol guards. While security has supposedly be increased along our country's borders, let us remember that these are the same people who allowed Sean Hannity to break federal law by leaving the U.S. and then returning to the U.S., but not through an official point of entry. It's the law, Sean, and you broke it on national television...or whatever the hell FOX news is. Yet you still waddle around, a free man. So there seems to be a lack of border guards for MS-13 to give El Salvadorian Neckties to in the first place. Now, if they said they wanted to slap the hell out of the Minutemen...well, that's a different story completely.

Two, which is it, Michelle? Your book, Invasion, was 256 pages of yammering about how, despite BushCo's programs after 9/11, our nation's borders still bear a closer resemblence to Swiss cheese than the Great Wall of China. So are the "illegal alien gangs" wrong about the increase in border security or were you wrong about the lack of it? Now, Michelle, I know you like to play both sides of the field, but I was hoping that just meant I could get a three way with you and Ann Coulter while Arianna Huffington looks on and sings Anita Bryant songs at gunpoint.

Three, in your book In Defence of Internment (Great read, by the way, right up there with Mein Kampf), you babble on about how the WWII internment camps were really just happy, sunshiney places, sort of like spas, and how racial profiling is a good thing. Well, Michelle, because of racial profiling everyone knows that pretty much everyone from Central and South America are dirty, lazy and stupid, so they couldn't possibly be smart enough to smuggle thugs across the U.S. borders, could they? I also hear, again from racial profiling, that first-generation Filipinas are hellcats between the sheets. Is it true?!?

Get her what she really wants for Valentine's

Nuff said

At least he doesn't have to worry about gun-crazy Air Marshals...

James Moore. Emmy-winning news correspondent, co-author of Bush's Brain: How Karl Rove Made George W. Bush President, Texas resident.

Threat to our skies.

Apparently, for the past year, Mr. Moore, who has been chronicling the rise of Rove and Bush for over 20 years, has been deemed dangerous enough to land on the "no-fly watch" list. He doesn't know why. He can't find out why. There's no legal recourse to tell him why or to even challenge his name being on the list. But there he is.

Now, for me, someone who hates flying, this would be a big nothing. I can't fly? Bah, real Americans drive, anyway. Flying is for terrorists, communists and Democrats.

However, for Mr. Moore, who's job as a political correspondent requires extensive travel, this is basically a great big "Screw you" from an administration that isn't above using the laws that are supposed to be increasing our safety as petty weapons in a juvenile war on anyone who disagrees with them.

So now we know. Write a book critical about BushCo and they'll fuck you any way they can.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jim-moore/branded_b_13272.html

Cyber nice...OR ROT IN JAIL!

A big thank you to everyone's favorite Undead Zombie Policitican, Arlen Spector, for slipping in a nifty little rider to a must-pass piece of legislation to fund the Department of Justice. H.R. 3402 guises itself as a measure to combat "Violence against Women" and does so by bitch-slapping the Constitution.

Signed into Law by G-Dub last Thursday, a little rider in this bill modifies existant telephone harrasement laws to include the Internet. Now, these codes read:

"Whoever...utilizes any device or software that can be used to originate telecommunications or other types of communications that are transmitted, in whole or in part, by the Internet... without disclosing his identity and with intent to annoy, abuse, threaten, or harass any person...who receives the communications...shall be fined under title 18 or imprisoned not more than two years, or both."

Here's the relevant language on "Cyberstalking".

Well, gee, thanks for the specific language, guys! I mean, we all know what annoying is, right? It's as easy to identify as pornography. Everybody has the same definition of annoying, so this bill will never, ever cause any problems.

Mind you, you can still be "annoying", you just can't do it annonymously.

God forbid you actually had a need to say anything on the web without giving your real identity, such as disclosing how upset you are with the incredibly shitty way your government is ruining your country without fear of reprisals. Or you wanted to avoid possible identity theft issues.

Indeed, I find this law to be "annoying" in the extreme and feel we should prosecute G-Dub under it because he's not using his real name: Satan.

Remember, Kansas isn't the only whacko state out there.

Maybe this will shift the country's focus from the evolution antics of my neighboring Kansas to rabidly homophobic Utah.

You know, I hear they're also attacking the sanctity of the institution of marriage by indulging in wanton poligamy...

http://kutv.com/topstories/local_story_007175321.html

Addendum: The theater chain, however, is still showing teen-torture fest Hostel. So, in recap:

Gay Cowboys = anti-family
Teens bound to a chair, gagged, tortured to death = pro-family