Evidently she really isn't that innocent.

So Britney Spears got her ass knocked up.

Yes, I realize that this is old news to everyone but me and perhaps some Bushmen tribes in Africa, but you'll have to forgive me. I heard about this the day it broke and had to have a couple of martinis to settle my nerves. Before I knew it I had drunk myself through "blotto" and all the way to "President of the United States." It was only when I found myself trying to suck a gorgonzola-stuffed olive through a swizzle stick that I remembered Britney's "situation" and fought to return to overrated shores of sobriety.

Plus, it was much more fun to watch Tom "Travelocity" Delay do his version of the Conservative White Republican Shuffle in response to his impending indictment. Note to Tom if he's reading this, when attempting to draw attention away from an incoming ethics charge by adopting a bloated moral stance on a completely unrelated and, frankly, overhyped quality-of-life issue, try to pick one who will live longer than your political career. Also, if you just pulled the plug on your own father a couple of years ago, it might be best to avoid issues like this completely. Actually, now that I think of it, given your amazing ability to say the exact wrong thing at the most opportune moment, perhaps you should just shut the hell up altogether.

However, none of this helps poor Britney or the upcoming Baby Brit. I'm not even going to address the questionable nature of her relationship. One of my favorite blogs, Angryblackbitch.com, does that far better than I. I mean, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, girl, his dick wasn't even soft after knocking up his last girlfriend when he popped your plushie!

I do think she's doing it a bit out of order. The baby comes later, when you're a dried up old has-been, desperatly clutching for some sort of public recognition as your plastic career slowly circles the drain of popularity oblivion. Just look at Madonna.

When you pull this sort of power move this early, well, it just looks tacky. It leaves so few options for her thirties. The marriage thing was fine and the scandal was a nice touch. Plus, there were all the "She's marrying a Mary" rumors to get the gay community intereted in her again. That was all very well done.

But who wants a precocious sex kitten, playfully teasing audiences with glimpses of her clevedge, when we know that mere hours before a tiny, wizened little thing who isn't her husband was sucking on them? Brit's all about fantasy without consequence and a baby is one helluva consequence. We don't want to be reminded of that as we shamefully buy her CDs, claiming they're a present for our niece who's twelve and deaf and slightly retarded so she doesn't know any better anyway.

So, Brit, for the sake of your career, throw yourself down some stairs, do some really aggressive dance moves or pull the PR coup of the decade and just have an abortion. We were sick of you before, but this just makes us embaressed for you.