Muscles make you gay...

Finally, there's an explanation for why so many gay men are so much more muscular than straight men. CNN's Deborah Feyerick brings us the answer and, according to unliscensed therapist Richard Cohen (lol, don't forget his "M.A." that he proudly displays on his book jacket cover), ex-gay and ex-slut (apparently), they're just carrying around a lot of "gay" in their muscles.

As usual, it's mother's fault.

Cohen says "breaking out of the gay lifestyle" is as simple as picking up a tennis raquet and beating the hell out of a pillow while screaming about how your mom made you want to suck dick by committing "emotional incest" (which just has buzzterm written all over it).

Of course, it could also be because of your "cold, distant" father. The way to remedy this is to have another man hug you. A lot. On a couch. Like a baby.

I'm fairly sure Cohen's next "theraputic technique" will involve slathering his penis in tabasco sauce and then barebacking with his clients, making them not crave the anal invasions so much. Or possibly there will be aggression therapy where he takes the prospective Not-Really-Ex-Gay-But-Much-Happier-Through-Repression gay out to a special gun range where they shoot at popup targets of Barbara Streissand, Judy Garland, Cher and Madonna to counteract the gay-ifying influence of show tunes and dance music.

Seriously, this is just some messed up shit right here.