You can love your pets...

I grew up on a farm. I'm talking a real farm, here, with chickens and cows and water you have to pump and an outhouse. A farm.

While growing up on said farm, I managed to go a good number of years without inserting my penis into any livestock.

Now, while many of you may say, "Er, yah, good for you," this is apparently not as easy an accomplishment as it sounds.

Just the other day, The Alan Colmes Show on FOX radio had anti-abortion extremist Neal Horsley on tap. The topic was "Should Horsley's ISP allow him to post names of abortion providers on his website?" Currently he does and one of the providers posted has been killed.

One might think that this topic would give enough fire to satisfy the show's running time. Colmes, however, decided to get all investigative-journalisty and question Horsley about his background, specifically about a statement Horsley made admitting he had engaged in homosexual behavior and...wait for it...beastiality.

Here's a transcript:

Get Yer Farm Freak On

AC: "Is it true?"

NH: "Hey, Alan, if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked like I..."

AC: "You had sex with animals?"

NH: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."

NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"

AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"

NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."

Now, leaving aside the whole issue of tense in Horsley's first statement concerning being a fool and exactly when he stopped, I have to say this is disturbing. Apparently there was a whole realm of sexual gratification just waiting for me to come knock, knock, knocking on it's door. Yet, I missed it because...well, because I really didn't see an advantage to being a chickenfucker. Of course I may have just stopped "being a fool" sooner than Horsley because I feel certain that I knew from the get go that fucking outside one's species is, at best, wrong and, at worst, potentially ickifying to the food supply. To consider that I may have at some point in my life eaten a steak from a cow who's insides had been coated with Horsley's pre-fool-pendextomy spunk...well, it's enough to make me a vegitarian.

There's also the implication that "beastiality is reality" and is totally acceptable, at least up to a certain age. What that exact age is, is defined by when you stop being a "fool," so I imagine some people can merrily bugger Bessie well into their 80s. Interestingly, though, this makes the fundamentalist stance against homosexual marriage as it's a slippery slope much more understandable. It sounds like they've completely skipped homosexuality all together, and have started frequenting local cattle auctions in search of casual sex.

Perhaps this is why, even though I grew up on a farm just like Horsley, I see a problem with attempting to get abortion providers shot because you disagree with them idealistically. Had I been more free in my sexual exploration, I would have become jaded with it's repetativeness just as Horsley did, accept "Jesus Christ as my personal savior who doesn't mind if I get people killed" and be willing to talk about exactly which pastures the little farmer has been plowing on national radio.

In any event, for those of you dating or considering dating someone from Georgia, just be careful. Apparently everyone from there dips their wick into whatever hole is handy on whatever species can't run away fast enough.