Brokeback Torino

The opening ceremonies were so good it takes three syllables to describe them: Fab-U-Lous! Flaming rollerbladers skated like refugees from a James Bond film while mighty Thor, God of Red Spandex, hammered out a giant fiery penis with his Oh-My-God-It's-So-Big mallet.

Yes, with a subtle salute to the gay in all of us and an opening ceremony that looks like it was choreographed by Bravo Channel, the 2006 Winter Olympic Games are off to a flamboyant start in Torino, Italy. Now, while I personally care very little about the games themselves, I have to admit this rotation has already given me quite a chuckle.

Aside from The Gay Blades, the opening ceremony was full of other questionable costuming choices, such as the people with the huge white bulbs on their heads.

Maybe I'm just naughty, but that certainly looks like a stylized sperm to me.

It even contained a salute to livestock. That's right, this year's winter games have finally given status and thanks to that most humble of farm animals, the unassuming yet always tasty, cow.

Indeed, to show cow-love, all spectators at the ceremony were issues cow bells. High above the arena, 20 ft wide display screens would frequently flash, "MORE COW BELL" in 80 different languages when things appeared to be moving slowly. This was not only the year of the cow, but with all that white stuff in the back ground, one can only assume it was the year of the gay cow. The completely gay homosexual, So-Flaming-It-Has-A-Dedicated-Fire-Team cow.

Will Bode Miller get so drunk while skiing that he has a brief encounter with a husky Italian barrista named Giovanni? Will people realize that figure skating isn't nearly as gay as the tobogan where up to four men dry hump each other in front of God and everybody? Will curling finally receive the attention, appreciation and up-marketing that it so desperately deserves? By the closing ceremonies, when the influx of nubile athetes and the portly photo-journalists who love them leave Torino as empty and desolate as a Fire Island T-Room in November, maybe these questions will be answered. Until then, though, it's going to be a gay old time.