It's not me, Florida, it's you...

Dear Florida,

Look, we've had some great times. Really, we've shared a lot. I guess that's what makes saying this so hard. But it needs to be said. I know that now, Florida.

I think we need to break up.

I've thought about this a lot, Florida. I've wrestled with it and I think this is just how it has to be. Frankly, Florida, you're toxic.

At first, it was fun. Getting to know you was such a rush. Your mix of cultures and traditions wsa exciting and helped me learn to love you. And you were such a blast to hang out with. Remember that day at Disneyworld? That was a great day, Florida, truly it was. I didn't even mind that you expected me to pay...a lot...for everything.

But I think we both know now, Florida, that Micky Mouse is a lie and "It's a Small World" is just a sweet, sweet dream that we can never share.

I guess it started when I found out how you felt about children. You said you loved them, wanted them to have good homes with loving parents. Then you lost 100,000 of them over the last ten years. I mean, I could understand one or two. They're small and it's almost like they have minds of their own. But 100,000? I think that's a pattern, Florida. And when I found out how you felt about gay people adopting children. Well, let's just say it was an ugly side of you, Florida, that shocked me, particularly after learning that you would rather lose children than let Brad and Steve adopt them.

But I didn't want the dream to end, Florida, so I overlooked it. I let your sassy Conga beat drown out the cries of all those lost kids and continued to love you.

Then came 2000. What had before seemed like an enchanting choice to samba to your own beat was revealed as plain stupidity. Just because people have the same names, Florida, doesn't mean they're all criminals and their votes should just be thrown out. I won't go into the whole "chad" thing, Florida, because if you can't admit there's a problem there then no words from me will help you, but I will say I felt betrayed. Perhaps it was my fault for expecting too much of you?

So you lose children and votes, Florida. That's why I gave you that pad of Post-Its for your birthday. You should really write these things down.

This latest incident, though, Florida, is the last straw. Look, I'm a simple country boy and I was brought up to believe that family business should stay in the family. Maybe your background was different, but when you didn't get your way you had Congress call a special session just to pout. That's taxpayer money, Florida, and your dirty laundry all over the front page. It's just not right. She's not coming back, Florida, and no amount of political posturing is going to override the basic biological facts. You have to accept that, Florida.

I don't know what's changed, but I think it's you. Maybe it's all the Cuban emigrees who have landed on your shores, so desperate for "freedom" that they're going to make damn certain that now they get to do things their own way. Maybe it's the neo-conservativism you've embraced because you fear change. Perhaps it's all the old people? I honestly don't know and no longer care.

The point is, we're done. I hope you'll be happy alone, Florida. Maybe that's what you need to get your shit together, some time alone. I know I'll be a lot happier, even though it hurts me to say this, without you around.

I've put your stuff in a box by my door. You can come and pick it up or I'll mail it to you. I'm sorry, Florida, but I think it's best this way.

With regret,
The Rest Of The Fucking Country