Essays For Tihleigh: Part I - On Finding My Faith

(Okay, T, I'm doing this in installments because I've got a lot to say.)

About six years ago, I took an online test regarding faith and religious belief. The test claimed that, by answered quite a few weighted questions about whatever general spiritual beliefs you may have, it could give you a ranking of your compatibility with faiths and religious practices from all over the world.

At the time, I was going through an agnostic phase. I had recently figured out that my fiery atheism of my early twenties was just as big a ruse as the Christian evangelicalism of my early to mid teens. Neither one really encompassed my true feelings about the nature of divinity or what we might know or owe to such a being. One was based on fear, rules and blind subservience to the will of others while the other was based on misplaced anger, pride and an insufferable sense of superiority to others. Neither one was fundamentally honest or really had anything to do with God. I had settled into agnosticism and just being fascinated by the diversity and wealth of human belief and was quite comfortable not knowing while watching everyone else know.

After working through the test, I eagerly examined my results to find out which faith was right for me. The third most compatible path was Baha’i. I read up on that faith (which I had never heard of before) and was intrigued by some of the ideas, but not really moved by the teachings. It seemed too “cultish” for my sensibilities. Also, I have always been somewhat leery of religions that involve avatars, even Christianity. One of the basic tenants of Christianity is a personal relationship with God. If that’s true, then why add another level of abstraction, namely some sort of “messenger” from God? So while I enjoyed learning about a very relevant and valid path of faith, I still remained unmoved.

The second most compatible faith was Unitarian Universalism. I had never been quite sure what to make of Unitarians. It had always seemed less like a religion and more like a self-help group. I had always appreciated, though, their plurality of views regarding various religious backgrounds and the ideal that those religious principles, while certainly valid and helpful to many, were not the end all, be all of the spiritual experience. Again, though, I was intrigued, but unmoved to reconsider my agnosticism.

The most compatible faith was The Religious Society of Friends, or The Quakers. Like most people, I only knew two things about Quakers. One, they were pacifists. Two, they really liked oatmeal. Other than that, I was at a loss, so I began to read about the tradition.

Like a door opening, something clicked.

At first, I didn’t know what to make of it. What I was reading seemed to eerily mirror my private and personal ideals of what a religion should be in order to have any value. The establishment of an individual and uniquely personal relationship with God or divinity. An understanding of and reverence for the interconnectedness of all life and all of the moral paradoxes that entails. A stressing that spiritual development comes not only from inner reflection, but from external work and not just talking or “witnessing,” but actually getting involved in causes and organizations and attempting to bring about change. A respect for the equality of all people, be they different sexes, religions, nationalities or what have you.

As I read further, a realization began to dawn on me that forced me to fundamentally realign my faith and belief: I was a stealth Quaker.